Member-only story
Welcome to adulting!
Oh, wait, there’s an update. Do you want to download it now? You won’t be able to go online without it.
[Downloading college experience… Estimated time left: 4–12 years…]
Okay, here we go! Welcome to adulting, the most authentic, real-life first-person shooter ever created.
Except you can’t shoot anyone, that’s one way to lose the game.
Other ways to lose the game: developing a drug addiction, joining a pyramid scheme, buying a brand-new car (no, leasing a brand-new car), following your bliss, buying the latest smartphone every calendar year, having a mental breakdown in a Target or Whole Foods, and wracking up unheard-of amounts of credit card debt.
Select Your Character
Here, you can “select” your character. (More like it selects you.) We have free modifications, like the “Somehow rescued three dogs already” skin or the “Way too into CrossFit” skin. “Social rights activist” and “22-year-old mother-of-two” modifications are sold separately as premium characters.
For most of you, you will begin with the “Living in my parents’ basement and surviving off Cheetos and Diet Coke.” You’ll want to upgrade this character as soon as possible.
